not so ethical vegetarianism-- my vegan story

Many moons ago (winter of 2001, to be exact) I became a vegetarian. Kind of. I felt that by eliminating meat from my diet, I was making an ethical choice, good for the environment, good for animals, good for me. But this story is not praise of myself, and my dietary "ethics"-- it is a story about waking up from what I consider to be the myth of ethical vegetarianism.

After giving up flesh "cold tofu" (well, like I said-- sort of. More on that later) I looked into the dairy industry briefly and said "ick", but consoled myself with Stonyfield Farm's yogurt and Organic Valley cheese. I had been to United Poultry Concerns, and freaked out over the treatment of hens, turkeys, etc. But saw the nice, brown "free-range" eggs at the store, and replaced the (accurate) images of tortured hens in my mind with those of happy, friendly chickens, giving me their eggs as a gift of love.

So, my denial firmly established in my mind, I rationalized being vegetarian. Sure, I knew about veganism, but it seemed "extreme" to me. I liked dairy-- and even though dairy didn't like me (lactose intolerance) I consumed it. I was aware of vegans in the same way that I was aware of the Amish-- vague ideas most likely more stereotype than fact. And I had never met a real live vegan who made any kind of sense-- just people who waffled on the edge: vegan one week, vegetarian the next. It didn't seem practical, and it sure as hell didn't seem fun.

It goes downhill at this point. Because, then came my first visit to a sushi restaurant (as a vegetarian, that is).

See, I had always loved fish, shellfish, crustaceans, mollusks, whatever. If it came from the sea, I enjoyed consuming its flesh. Could I really give all that up? Especially in sushi, my fave food in the world? Well, I said to myself, confronted with tantalizing descriptions of spicy tuna rolls and tempura shrimp, they're not factory farmed. . .

I caved to my craving. I became a "vegetarian who eats fish" for four years. "Oh, I don't cook it in the house!" I explained to people who asked me about my dietary habits. "Only once in a while, when I go out to a restaurant, like sushi." And although I was as scrupulous as posible about no speck of fowl, pork, beef in my food, fish was welcome at my table whenever I could get my omnivorous (I admit it) hands on it.

Thinking back, I really believe that my consumption of dairy and eggs allowed me to accept the consuming of fish. The misconception I had that organic dairy and free-range eggs were "pain-free" animal foods allowed me to look at fish as food-- "after all, they don't feel pain the way we do, right?"

What was it in the air, or the water, that made me change my mind? I have no idea. Maybe it was news stories about mercury in fish; a radio story about overfishing causing major environmental harm; whatever it was, nagging doubts invaded my mind. Maybe it was the feeling that I was allowing pleasure to override my dietary "ethics". But my conscience, for some reason, also pushed me to examine all the animal products in my diet at the same time I was finally ready to stop eating fish.

I don't know what it was that made me log on to PETA's website for the first time in years. But log on I did, and I realized my feeling that animals should not be used for food neccesitated becoming vegan. My knowledge of animal argriculture harming our world required abistinence from all animal products. I finally admitted that my ethical vegetarianism had been a moral dead-end, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my love for dairy (I could have been crowned Queen of Artisan Cheeses in my day) had led to rationalizing not only cows' and goats' milk products, but also eggs, gelatin, fish, and the host of other ingredients. It had also, somehow, justified my purchasing of leather and down.

With horror, I owned up to the fact that, honestly, my consumption of eggs and dairy were contributing to immense amounts of animal cruelty. I wasn't "reducing cruelty" by my abstinence from factory-farmed flesh-- I was actively creating demand for it! Even my "organic" and "free-range" selections were the products of suffering. I decided that not only did I need to go vegan, I wanted to go vegan. That afternoon after I got home, (I did my research on the internet at work, so sue me!) I shyly asked my fiancee if he was willing to go from fakey-vegetarian to vegan with me. His response? "Sure, why not! Do you want to use up what's in the house, or get rid of it all once?"

We combined the two, in the end. For a few days, we tried to eat the last of the cheese and butter, only to be eventually toss them due to a major case of the heeby-jeebies. Egg- and dairy-containing shelf-stable products were given to co-workers and relatives. And I haven't looked back, since (well. . . maybe I gave a longing stare to some malted milk balls the other day-- but I know now that even the low price of cheap candy is too high a cost, in the end). I feel much more healthy, and haven't once gotten the gross and bloated feeling I got after eating vegetarian fare.

Is ethical vegetarianism a moral dead-end for everyone? I can't make that judgment. It was for me. But I do think it's safe to say that if ethics enter one's reason for being vegetarian, then becoming vegan is neccesary for true compassionate and ethical living.